Flying isn’t just for dreaming

I think my yoga practice has done me a disservice in an area of of life. I don’t blame yoga, I blame the somewhat icky pursuit of balance. Different extremes perhaps being safely over explored in my yoga practice. Ok wtf am I talking about–right? I am talking about- not taking action. Yoga started out for me from a place of non-action, awaiting, meditating and grounding my oh so restless soul in a consistent practice, (or at least trying to.) We all are in need something at different times whether it’s a hug, money, home, community, health, sleep, food, god, laughter, space, closeness. So as  free bird, I came into yoga having worn my wings out. I came into yoga to chill the f*out and find space between my thoughts. On my mat, I found that- now I’m pretty chill, and grateful- and it’s time to test my wings again, safely. So I’ve decided to jot down what I would do, if I could do anything. If I could fly. What I came up with was this: 

Eat when I’m hungry. Move when I’m restless. Sleep when I’m tired. Travel when I want to see. Help where I’m needed. Cry when I’m sad. Laugh when it’s funny. Talk when I need to be heard. Listen when I need to hear. Go where I need to go. Trust money/ support will be there. Take care of myself. Take care of others. Feel healthy. Feel nourished. Feel warm. Feel rested. Feel peaceful. Love wholeheartidly. Be open to connection. Be kind. Trust my gifts are enough. Trust my intuition moment to moment as a guide leading me. Be present. Pursue that which I deeply want, deeply love, and deeply am invested in-  meanwhile releasing all the rest.

Sweetly, lovingly, patiently reminding myself over and over this is the unfolding of a life. 

Oh so I made some cookies, they are simple and yummier than regular chocolate chip cookies, gluten free so go ahead have one, hey have three with a glass of almond milk. I don’t have photos because my phone won’t upload them. But you can use your imagination. 

Staples- muffin tins and sunshine

I am starting up this blog again.

It’s been several years coming but I am in love with baking again. I’m in the process of shedding and reexamining much of my present life. I have been gifted time to look closely at what’s important, and what perhaps I have been holding onto that isn’t so important. I took a month (an entire month) to visit a dear friend and quiet myself long enough to see what I need to see. Not to mention some downtime to laugh, dream and cook food.

 In one sense, I am overwelmed with what an opportunity this is, not only am I free from the distractions of bills, work and obligations. I am being taken care of and nurtured by community, sunshine, food, and deep rest. It’s amazing what something like freedom and space can do to a person– mostly I am slung shot back and forth between bliss and fear. With space comes more space, and with more space comes hearing and seeing the things I’ll say I don’t see and hear when I am so dam busy!

So I have a can of pumpkin and a muffin tin. This kitchen I’ve been cooking and baking in is well equipped and just lovely, but the muffin tin– is my staple this month. I’ve made two different types of muffins so far; blueberry almond flour and pumpkin chocolate chip coconut flour. Today we are moving into a whole new realm; vegan pumpkin cheesecake muffin bites.  I will tell you a  secret; I love that I am discovering a healthy, wholesome way to bake. I’ll tell you another secret, these aren’t actually baked, they are formed in the freezer. Enough said, go forth and lean into this day, nourish yourself with that which feeds your soul and body, and don’t forget to say thank you.

Muffins More Than Ever

What? Muffins? On a morning like this?

I have not been actively following the election, but there’s a weight this morning so heavy it’s impossible to distract oneself. Despite the many distractions we humans have up our sleeves, it’s too heavy to resist. I cringe to say the word, but it feels like hopelessness. I can say for myself this is something I’ll do anything not to feel. Whatever it is it’s real, it woke me up in the middle of the night and told me I was not going to be celebrating like I so hoped to be.

I feel baffled, and even more lost than normal. We can all talk until we are blue in the face, and there’s no doubt in me that we will, but the truth is it won’t change any of this. What we resist, persists. I have been learning that lesson in the most painful of ways this past year.

So the question for me is in the face of fear and anger is. How can we deepen our faith and expand on love to get ourselves through this day? How can we embrace the divine mother goddess that nourishes and protects all things? I do know she is not on our TV screens. She’s on our yoga mats, she’s in nature, our community, our family, she’s in listening deeply to eachother, she’s in neck rubs and playing hide and seek in closets, she is making muffins.

These muffins are not only delicious but they are healthy, they are made of almond flour. Basically, it’s a sweet protein burst with a few cacao nibs and some blueberries. It’s the kind of muffin you eat to muster deep down inside a glimpse of faith to stand up after gracefully having filled yourself with whatever nourishes you. As we stand alive in in the face of hopelessness, let’s love and trust like never before, and not in the saintly way, but in the fully human way.

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these things are certain

I used to do this alot, ask myself what I knew for certain.. Usually a few things when I was completely uncertain about everything else.

1. I did the right thing, although the right thing doesn’t always feel right (or let’s say feel good.) The winter kicked my ass to kingdom come and back but it’s right, here is right.

2. I love outdoors, I need to be outdoors, dirty, wet grass, wind, water, trees. Yes, I am home here. 

3. This job I love I don’t even think I’m “working.” I work with people outdoors as we connect and discover what it is they are longing for and I encourage them to connect to themselves over and over and over and in doing so I do the same.

4. I am on retreat, all is small, all is quiet, it’s not going to be this way forever but it’s how it needs to be right now.

5. Nothing, absolutely nothing is what you think it is going to be. 

6. My dog has taught me more about love than anything I have ever had with another human being, so far. 

7.  A long walk fixes mostly anything.

8. I’m creating something as I follow the breadcrumbs step by step, it’s coming slow and with patience and it may not be grandiose or spectacular but it will still be- and it will be mine. 

9. When I deny me, who I really am, what I feel, dream, love it eats away at my insides and if I don’t catch it, it will destroy me but if I catch it it will save me.

  

Here’s to longevity

I made myself a Birthday Cake. The next day I had a splitting headache and wanted to knock myself out with a spatula. Sad life lesson is I can no longer eat birthday cake. I used to eat cake for dinner, remember those days? I’d write to you about it and continue to eat it again for breakfast the next day following a 6 mile run. Yeah. . . I’m 28 now and those days are over. I’m choosing substitutes like brown rice syrup treats and long walks in the woods.

30 things I LOVE at this moment..

1.Green grapes. 2. New pajamas.  3. The mention of spring. 4. Creative endeavors big ones,small ones, leaps of faith into the unknown. 5. Confidence in these endeavors. 6. His smile. 7. Feeling lovable  . 8. Looking back at my life 1 yr/2yrs/3/yrs. ago and seeing I was exactly where I was supposed to be then which must mean that’s the case now. 9. Now. 10. My trip to Hawaii in a few weeks. 11. Having regulars- feeling regular- loving regularity for the first time ever. 12. Ilana and her babies. 13. Chekhov and his plays. 14. My hurum juicer and the delicious mornings we spend together. 15. My mother and our hikes. 16. Ordering only popcorn at upscale fancy restaurants. 17. This house and how it feels like my grandmother grayed haired, calm, quiet who has helped nurse me back to myself. 18.  Mondays with Jonathan. 19. Dreams that tell me what I need to see. 20. Flesh. 21. My brother and his newfound love for yoga. 22. My father and his pony tail. 23. Afternoons spent coming up with ideas for what you can put on a salad. 24. Standing on both feet instead of just one- the feeling of not looking- instead trusting in eventually finding. 25. Sitting in the sun on the porch. 26. Women who do the impossible. 27. The woods and how they are always there. 28. Pineapples. 29. Meeting people who want to work on projects with me. 30. Purpose. Patience. .

tiramisu

I am living in this old country house for the winter. I love everything about it- the creak in the floorboards, the blankets I have to pile on myself at night to keep warm. The open space and time for cooking and baking and listening for what quiet sounds like.

There are these ducks that come and circle the house in rounds they talk to each other and argue or flirt doing whatever it is that ducks do. I know ducks should have flown south by now but not these guys they stay here year round. The neighbors have built a house for them to live with insulated walls and heat lamps. They are some lucky ducks.

Some recent learning lessons;

I need lots of rest otherwise I suck to be around.

Before reacting to anything- drink some water, eat a sandwich and breath real, real deep.

You cannot force readiness- especially someone elses.

Sadness is all around and there is no avoidance/explanation for it- it is heartbreaking and yet still here we are the human spirit is so powerful.

I can’t fully accept that sugar is not the best thing for this body of mine.

I appreciate solitude.

I believe in the stillness being okay more than ever.

I actually prefer the quiet country to the cities these back roads that have never known traffic, the shorter lines, and smaller yoga classes.

Hiking is magical.

Tattoos can be regrets I’m grateful mine is not- it reminds me daily of what I am doing here.

I like this living in southern Berkshire County and getting to know farther south of here.

As for baking I am learning to bake with healthier sugars like maple syrup, agave, and honey. I notice this theme in my life where I have an idea that becomes a need and then a time lapse in which I think about it, pray about it, wait for it- and then what I am asking for comes along to help me in form. So in this case I was given a chef. This chef is a tiny Japanese man who wrote a book called- Chef Satos all Natural Desserts. He has begun teaching me how to bake without using sugars (dairy or eggs.) I’ve taken his lessons home and attempted my very first tiramisu. It came out good- good enough to admit I have eaten for my last two meals. You may not believe what interesting ingredients are in this cake but they are delicious.

Happy Boxing Day.

pecans

Sometimes there is nothing to do to make a situation better sometimes you just have to feel how horribly sad it is until it’s ready to go. Sometimes that can take days, months, years and meanwhile there is life and the moments we have in between this time it takes.

Sometimes you have to bake a cake and maybe just for a moment forget your troubles and forget how much it can hurt to be an active member of this thing we call life.

When I was in my first year of acting school I fell in love with this guy named Max he was in my class and we would hang out together after class and drink or eat while wandering the Upper East Side. We were misfits so we hit it off quick. He smelled like sweat and he wore these big hats even when it wasn’t cold outside. His face was so beautiful and he was so tall. After our first year of school he went back to Canada and I stayed in New York. We were in class one day and Max was working on this scene in front of the rest of the class. He was struggling really badly. The teacher asked him to pick the person in the room he trusted more than anyone else and he said Sam right away he didn’t even think about it, it just came out my name. I was shocked that anyone felt that way about me. I didn’t consider myself to be this safe or trustworthy person at least not towards myself. But despite it- I went up and held him there. We never spoke of it again.

Today I honestly do not know if there is anything better in the world than being the person who can be there to love another person when they need it. I spent the weekend in North Carolina with Katie and Eric all I can is how ridiculously proud I am to love you both. We baked ourselves a Pecan Cake because life demanded it.