I was let go at the bakery.
I knew in my gut it was not the place for me.
You know when you try to make clothes fit that don’t? That’s what I was doing. I was trying to squeeze myself into this dress with a top that hung over my chest and a skirt that clung to my hips making it hard to walk straight. Truth be told, I hardly wear dresses. It was so uncomfortable and it made me question myself and think for a few moments that I needed to be someone else. Silly me, I did try but it didn’t work it only made me sad.
Lesson was that if the dress don’t fit, it don’t fit and the good part is; you don’t have to wear it. Another truth is I want to design my own dress (or jumpsuit in my case.) I want to build it from the ground up and birth it out of me using every ounce of myself and not having to apologize for any of it.
I was able to see that all of this is in fact not about baking! I love baking and mixing, and making messes and especially eating. But I do not bake to be a baker. I do not want to go out to become a pastry chef. I do not want to be on Cupcake Wars. I do not even think I want to work in a bakery. Baking is a tool for healing me.
I like it and what it does.
I like the way it wraps me up and quiets my restless spirit. I like the way it speaks to me as a mother would tell her child how sweet and perfect she is just as she is. I like the way it lets me be dressed and in my pjs with my hair all over the place. I like the way it softens my belly and allows me breath and not have to be some barbie doll I still sometimes think I should be. I like how it’s fueled by nostalgia bringing me back to the present tense so that I can live what I think I have outgrown. I like its smell and how it lures people into a room gathering butter and sugar together and suddenly I find myself no longer alone.
Why do we struggle to make these things fit that just don’t?
I walked past this t-shirt today and my first thought was I want to wear this. My second thought was you couldn’t possibly wear that. So I bought it. I bought it because that first thought is the true me, that second thought is some voice that says I can’t be me. Let’s listen to the first voice. I’m wearing it out tonight and I’m taking this self dancing.