I have no idea what my work on this earth is. I continually get hints of what I don’t want it to be. I like making lists of things I don’t want those things I’ve tried or continually do over and over again (the definition of ‘insanity.) Yeah, those things that I know I don’t want…
But what it’s to look like? What do I get to say I do for a living? I do feel this pull from in my heart to serve the planet through art and healing and I am trucking on towards it no matter how unclear and frustrating it all currently seems. A mentor said to me; our life story is what we end up doing for work. What a relief it was to hear because if that is true we have started our work here since we are A living and B hopefully trying to stay awake for it. Putting one foot in front of the other and not believing the unhelpful chatter that happens above the heart.
I am working at a bakery although I hardly bake.
I work boxing cupcakes, scooping batter, washing dishes, and taking cake orders. In between all this I spy on the bakers and try to pick up moves. I watch the girls ice and cut cakes and decorate them with under water themes or Asian designs. I scoop cinnamon rolls into bags for pregnant ladies and place cupcakes on napkins as 6-year-old boys lick the frosting off before their mothers have even paid.
They let us wear yoga pants at work and by the end of my shift I’m covered in flour, sugar and buttercream. I go right from the bakery to yoga wearing these pants. I am not sure what my work here is but I think it has something to do with the yoga of cake. I have this pull from deep in my gut to wake myself and everyone I meet up to the divinity that is all around us and at the same time I want to put frosting on all our faces. I want to talk about these things that are so hard to say out loud. I want to somehow find sparks of light in things that are just too dark to deal with alone. I want you to heal so I can too.
Angels come in strange forms.
But I know they are angels because they come out from the cracks in the earth or through the air and pop into my bubble to rescue me or really just to wake me up.
One has a Russian accent and fixes cars out of his garage while his 4 screaming children scarf down pizza . He just smiles and patiently repeats car lingo to me that I try to understand.
One is a a temporary co-worker who I feel I have known my whole life, reminding me of the friendship I somehow forgot I needed out here.
And of course, there the two hippie angels from my Eastern soils who put the ripe bananas aside for me and ask me how my day was.
And there’s the angel who works at Sears. He attends church each Sunday and besides those hours he always picks up his phone. His mother raised him well and it’s somehow just in his bones to be a good guy.
There’s the one who fixed my broken wiper in the rain and the one who I helped carry cupcakes to his car. These angels are everywhere, they are all around us just let them get you. It’s worth taking flight.
I think they drop in our little lives to wake us up just at the right times. Just to say — Hey you ! You don’t know everything. I love you. Let me help you. Help me. Wake up! I’m here. Just look up.
I made an Angel Food Cake to share with all them, including you. Enjoy.
I struggle with moments.
I’m really bad at small talk.
I sometimes think I don’t have to abide by the rules everyone else does.
I tend to live in the gray, leaning towards a purple-ish gray.
Sometimes it’s best for me to live on the earth not in the ether where I prefer to be. I do fall for magic more often than the average Joe. I doubt I’ll ever stop, I certainly hope I don’t. I never know really how I am taken care of but I trust even if I’m not feeling it.
When I’m in the moments I tend to want the ones that have passed or I plan the ones to come. I live some days in a state of nostalgia that I can’t seem to shake fondly re-watching snap shots of an old life. Otherwise I’m hooked into this feeling that I’m waiting for my life to begin. I have this tendency to run from the moments or hang out too long in them. I fear letting them be perfect, which I hear they are. Always.
Presence. It’s actually our greatest superpower, the ability to be fully awake right now.
You know those perfect moments where everything is okay and sound and still but still moving? I want to be living a life of those moments I do not expect them all at once. I need more practice I’m all about preparing right now. I’d just like to know I am eventually working towards them being steadier. For now it just takes being here in today.
Right… Meanwhile have some cake, it’s fun. That’s all I have to say about it.