check please

Lately I sort of feel stunted. I have always felt a bit different. I have often wondered why I don’t seem to float easily along with the rest of the pack instead beating to the sound of my own drum, while dancing out of tune.

You see I don’t know and I struggle with those who think they do. Those who seem to have their ducks in line and have made it.

Since I have back here (the land of my birth) I see lots of diamonds of hands and babies in bellies. I see people I have known for most of my life. I see movement and I wonder if I am moving in that direction too? I wonder how much we perceive each other’s growth by what we see on one another’s outsides. If we do perceive this growth by our outsides then ut-oh…

I had two interactions simultaneously yesterday I’d like to share.

I will start by saying I am waitressing- not the most fulfilling of jobs but I am grateful for the money and I get to feed people healthy food. Yesterday I had these two separate tables both people I know and have met numerous times- both did not remember ever meeting me. Both of these people are involved in the performing arts. I served these people their sushi and tea and the woman didn’t even look at me. She was in a conversation and engaged in her own thing. The man was pretentious and made stereotypical snide comments. My point; both of these people are successful and creative in ways I would like to someday be- but they suck at being nice.

Why is that? That we are successful and have this drive but lose sight of what is around us? We lose sight of the people waiting on us & cooking our food that is helping us sustain this growth. Can we simply take one moment to lift up our chins and say thank you?

Lesson that these lovely folks taught me; smile more and say thank you more. I never want to be so busy being important that I don’t see all this around me working in union to keeping me alive.

At this moment..

Inspired by: partlyitstheboots.wordpress.com

What I’m lovin …. Fall, colors yellow/orange, eating squash, the flavor; pumpkin, the woods, tofu shoga, bola granola with greek yogurt, feeling home, feeling strong.

What I’m reading…. Be Here Now By: Ram Das, Courage By: Debbie Ford plus some menus, bills, food blogs, e-mails.

What I’m thinking about…. The past, forearm stands, the future, how cold it’s about to get, friends who are far away, the life that I want to have, sushi, solitude, change, here vs. there, New York, going back to school, escape routes, diamonds over rubies.

What I’m stressing about….taxes, car payments, trusting myself, this job, again more sushi, Japanese, my knees, my butt, my feet, if I made the wrong choice.

What I’m looking forward to…. it getting easier, being 27, my Saturn return, having a home of my own, theatre, clarity, working with kids, enough money plus some extra, snow, fires, new relationships.

What is making me happy…. this dog at my feet, a full belly, a morning of yoga, having plans, 5-dollar movies.