muscles and beets

I knew this girl who never seemed to fuck up.

She wouldn’t call me for rides to work at 6 AM. She didn’t impulsively buy things. She took her time and thought things through and her hair was always perfect.

She’d never admit if she had a break in her heart. She wouldn’t fall for synchronicity and she definitely wouldn’t fall for it more than once. She didn’t get carried away and leap into worlds that had not been given to her. I doubt she would wake up late at night missing what she called home so badly that her only heart felt like it was choking on her only throat. Her body wondering if she had these parts on reserve for when these ones shut down. She wouldn’t then have to wonder that if this felt like it might choke her to death how would she ever survive the harder stuff to come? Where will she grow the limbs to add on from here?

What she might see if she survived enough of these nights would be a  muscle she did not have before she went to bed that night. That muscle would build and build until the day she felt strong enough to not only dream of her paradise but inhabit it.

This girl would not bend down and split her pants on a new job. Or step over your boundaries, or eat 2-ice cream sandwiches one right after the other.

I could learn a thing or two from this girl, she could learn a thing or two from me.

Lately life is messy sort of ugly a bit raw and a little untidy.

It’s keeping me from getting too comfy, too pretty, too fit.

There’s been some speeding and some faulty decision making. But there’s a muscle that didn’t used to be there maybe someday it will feel it deserves to call itself strong.

I used to be a cute baker, today I’m a beat up one.

I decided to invent for you a chocolate cake with BEET & ginger cream cheese frosting. I take full responsibility for it’s many flaws. For today let’s eat it and pretend it’s perfect.

Sukha

I don’t know what my kind is.

You know the yogurt swirl machines that give you the chocolate and the vanilla swirled together? That feels like me most of the time. I like things new and old. I like to wear lipstick and hiking boots. I like the city and the woods. I like adventure and I dream of being home. I like the pulse of people and crave being solo and silent.

I don’t know a lot of the time because I feel I am a swirl of these contradictions. I want to explore every landscape there is while planting my feet long enough to watch things grow.

Lately I want to stay still. I want badly to sit long enough to not have to move. I want to show up for people and have them know I am not just passing through. I want to bake and to kiss cheeks daily. I want holidays to come and go and gardens to grow and storefronts to move, but me to stay here. I want to get bored, and survive it. I do not know if this is possible, I do not know what will come of me in all of it. Even if I would recognize myself afterwards.

Sometimes I eat a lot of sugar; sometimes I eat a lot of kale.

Sometimes I run races, sometimes I put on music and dance like a curly fry till I can feel my heart beat again.

Some days I want to bake and know that it is not the day for cake especially with all the kale I’m taking in.

Hands down the more things I eat directly out of the soil the better I am over all.

I made black bean brownies today. . Just to see what all the hype was about, and to contradict myself just a tiny bit more.

They were not good. I like beans in tacos. I like brownies with ice-cream. They do not need to be together, ever.

sibling-ly sweet

BEING back East for the holiday felt like being back in the cocoon. I loved it in a way I haven’t had access to until now. Relaxing and taking it easy does not come natural to me.  Despite my lifestyle, despite my ache to treasure these moments and just be able to sit here clueless a majority of the time whilst still being okay ; I worry more than I want to, more than I need to. I once went to an astrologer who told me a lot of things I already knew. BUT, one thing she said that I remember so clearly was that; worry was a negative pray. I guess that means each time I worry, I have to double my prayer to cancel out the worry and from there add the prayer back on.

My time spent at home gave me some space to not have to mull over my future, my bills, what my days were going to look like tomorrow, where I’ll wind up, who will be there. I was just simply  home loving these people and having a holiday.

YOU remember how we felt as kids before the scar tissue began to build? That contentment, safety, harmony and freedom? .. I know, I need to get back there.

The choice to move 3,500 miles from all that is farmilar to me, makes it now my job to create that feeling for myself. I think it might be becoming more adult, taking on this role of making good happen for yourself. Grabbing hold of that  love and sparkle with everything you’ve got and taking it with you everywhere.

How I get there can be different depending on the day; some days it’s kicking my own butt into gear and getting a job even though I want to make my money working for myself. Other days it’s watching Ted Danson movies all morning just because I need to smile more. But whatever it is, it’s listening and becoming quiet enough to hear from the inside.

I wrote out some 2012 Resolutions but used words I like better Declarations…Spirits…Movements. .I made a vow to eat more greens and less sugar, especially before bed and to love myself daily, not just on my good days.

It’s a NEW YEAR magic is about to happen. I’m pretty excited about it when I’m not scared shitless.

Okay so as for  baking I did quite a bit of that while I was home, which warmed my soul and softened my belly. I made both of my siblings a cake; My baby brother who turned 20 , twenty years old– got a butterscotch cake  …He is my most favorite person in the world to watch eat.

My sister requested a red velvet cake  which came out so red, 1/4 a cup of food coloring later.. She is still finding red food coloring around her house ( I can be a messy baker).. It’s such an elegant cake, I highly recommend it if you wanna seduce someone. This case was purely a PG family cake. I’m just saying you could.