muscles and beets

I knew this girl who never seemed to fuck up.

She wouldn’t call me for rides to work at 6 AM. She didn’t impulsively buy things. She took her time and thought things through and her hair was always perfect.

She’d never admit if she had a break in her heart. She wouldn’t fall for synchronicity and she definitely wouldn’t fall for it more than once. She didn’t get carried away and leap into worlds that had not been given to her. I doubt she would wake up late at night missing what she called home so badly that her only heart felt like it was choking on her only throat. Her body wondering if she had these parts on reserve for when these ones shut down. She wouldn’t then have to wonder that if this felt like it might choke her to death how would she ever survive the harder stuff to come? Where will she grow the limbs to add on from here?

What she might see if she survived enough of these nights would be a  muscle she did not have before she went to bed that night. That muscle would build and build until the day she felt strong enough to not only dream of her paradise but inhabit it.

This girl would not bend down and split her pants on a new job. Or step over your boundaries, or eat 2-ice cream sandwiches one right after the other.

I could learn a thing or two from this girl, she could learn a thing or two from me.

Lately life is messy sort of ugly a bit raw and a little untidy.

It’s keeping me from getting too comfy, too pretty, too fit.

There’s been some speeding and some faulty decision making. But there’s a muscle that didn’t used to be there maybe someday it will feel it deserves to call itself strong.

I used to be a cute baker, today I’m a beat up one.

I decided to invent for you a chocolate cake with BEET & ginger cream cheese frosting. I take full responsibility for it’s many flaws. For today let’s eat it and pretend it’s perfect.

Shake me up

People ask me daily why I moved here. I despise the question. It’s like the taste of luke warm salt water in my mouth.  The question is vague, and there are too many reasons to sum it up to you in one brief moment. If we were to sit down relax chat for a while maybe I could come up with a vague explanation. But, on the spot there’s no phrase for me to lean on like a job, a guy. . I can’t think of any other normal people answers besides jobs and guys.

I moved here to build a web that  feels like my own.

This web of my own has been shaken up daily. I’ve been hired, fired, quit, dumped, totaled . . I’ve been learning a lot, humbled a lot. Sometimes I have to laugh at myself when I think I have it figured out just right. Only to walk  outside my tidy tiny box. I step out of  my comforts, into the uncomfortable, the messy. I’m seeing daily that I am to be no expert on all this.

I walked outside yesterday morning to go to teach my yoga class, to find Whitey (my car) had  been totaled. Smashed in and flipped over on his side. Someone in the middle of the night was not in any state to be driving. Don’t drink and drive. Believe me I’m guilty of  it in my other life. Thanks to the angels who kept me alive. Us alive. Thank you. Thank you.

These things happen, this life is happening, it’s shaking us up.  Rattling us up into pieces. I  believe it’s for a reason. To make space. I’ve decided I don’t want the shaking to stop. Keep shaking, keep reminding me. Show me there’s more for me here. There’s more for us here.

So shake me up all you want, just don’t ask me what I’m doing here.