tiramisu

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I am living in this old country house for the winter. I love everything about it- the creak in the floorboards, the blankets I have to pile on myself at night to keep warm. The open space and time for cooking and baking and listening for what quiet sounds like.

There are these ducks that come and circle the house in rounds they talk to each other and argue or flirt doing whatever it is that ducks do. I know ducks should have flown south by now but not these guys they stay here year round. The neighbors have built a house for them to live with insulated walls and heat lamps. They are some lucky ducks.

Some recent learning lessons;

I need lots of rest otherwise I suck to be around.

Before reacting to anything- drink some water, eat a sandwich and breath real, real deep.

You cannot force readiness- especially someone elses.

Sadness is all around and there is no avoidance/explanation for it- it is heartbreaking and yet still here we are the human spirit is so powerful.

I can’t fully accept that sugar is not the best thing for this body of mine.

I appreciate solitude.

I believe in the stillness being okay more than ever.

I actually prefer the quiet country to the cities these back roads that have never known traffic, the shorter lines, and smaller yoga classes.

Hiking is magical.

Tattoos can be regrets I’m grateful mine is not- it reminds me daily of what I am doing here.

I like this living in southern Berkshire County and getting to know farther south of here.

As for baking I am learning to bake with healthier sugars like maple syrup, agave, and honey. I notice this theme in my life where I have an idea that becomes a need and then a time lapse in which I think about it, pray about it, wait for it- and then what I am asking for comes along to help me in form. So in this case I was given a chef. This chef is a tiny Japanese man who wrote a book called- Chef Satos all Natural Desserts. He has begun teaching me how to bake without using sugars (dairy or eggs.) I’ve taken his lessons home and attempted my very first tiramisu. It came out good- good enough to admit I have eaten for my last two meals. You may not believe what interesting ingredients are in this cake but they are delicious.

Happy Boxing Day.

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pecans

Sometimes there is nothing to do to make a situation better sometimes you just have to feel how horribly sad it is until it’s ready to go. Sometimes that can take days, months, years and meanwhile there is life and the moments we have in between this time it takes.

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Sometimes you have to bake a cake and maybe just for a moment forget your troubles and forget how much it can hurt to be an active member of this thing we call life.

When I was in my first year of acting school I fell in love with this guy named Max he was in my class and we would hang out together after class and drink or eat while wandering the Upper East Side. We were misfits so we hit it off quick. He smelled like sweat and he wore these big hats even when it wasn’t cold outside. His face was so beautiful and he was so tall. After our first year of school he went back to Canada and I stayed in New York. We were in class one day and Max was working on this scene in front of the rest of the class. He was struggling really badly. The teacher asked him to pick the person in the room he trusted more than anyone else and he said Sam right away he didn’t even think about it, it just came out my name. I was shocked that anyone felt that way about me. I didn’t consider myself to be this safe or trustworthy person at least not towards myself. But despite it- I went up and held him there. We never spoke of it again.

Today I honestly do not know if there is anything better in the world than being the person who can be there to love another person when they need it. I spent the weekend in North Carolina with Katie and Eric all I can is how ridiculously proud I am to love you both. We baked ourselves a Pecan Cake because life demanded it.