these things are certain

I used to do this alot, ask myself what I knew for certain.. Usually a few things when I was completely uncertain about everything else.

1. I did the right thing, although the right thing doesn’t always feel right (or let’s say feel good.) The winter kicked my ass to kingdom come and back but it’s right, here is right.

2. I love outdoors, I need to be outdoors, dirty, wet grass, wind, water, trees. Yes, I am home here. 

3. This job I love I don’t even think I’m “working.” I work with people outdoors as we connect and discover what it is they are longing for and I encourage them to connect to themselves over and over and over and in doing so I do the same.

4. I am on retreat, all is small, all is quiet, it’s not going to be this way forever but it’s how it needs to be right now.

5. Nothing, absolutely nothing is what you think it is going to be. 

6. My dog has taught me more about love than anything I have ever had with another human being, so far. 

7.  A long walk fixes mostly anything.

8. I’m creating something as I follow the breadcrumbs step by step, it’s coming slow and with patience and it may not be grandiose or spectacular but it will still be- and it will be mine. 

9. When I deny me, who I really am, what I feel, dream, love it eats away at my insides and if I don’t catch it, it will destroy me but if I catch it it will save me.

  

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sibling-ly sweet

BEING back East for the holiday felt like being back in the cocoon. I loved it in a way I haven’t had access to until now. Relaxing and taking it easy does not come natural to me.  Despite my lifestyle, despite my ache to treasure these moments and just be able to sit here clueless a majority of the time whilst still being okay ; I worry more than I want to, more than I need to. I once went to an astrologer who told me a lot of things I already knew. BUT, one thing she said that I remember so clearly was that; worry was a negative pray. I guess that means each time I worry, I have to double my prayer to cancel out the worry and from there add the prayer back on.

My time spent at home gave me some space to not have to mull over my future, my bills, what my days were going to look like tomorrow, where I’ll wind up, who will be there. I was just simply  home loving these people and having a holiday.

YOU remember how we felt as kids before the scar tissue began to build? That contentment, safety, harmony and freedom? .. I know, I need to get back there.

The choice to move 3,500 miles from all that is farmilar to me, makes it now my job to create that feeling for myself. I think it might be becoming more adult, taking on this role of making good happen for yourself. Grabbing hold of that  love and sparkle with everything you’ve got and taking it with you everywhere.

How I get there can be different depending on the day; some days it’s kicking my own butt into gear and getting a job even though I want to make my money working for myself. Other days it’s watching Ted Danson movies all morning just because I need to smile more. But whatever it is, it’s listening and becoming quiet enough to hear from the inside.

I wrote out some 2012 Resolutions but used words I like better Declarations…Spirits…Movements. .I made a vow to eat more greens and less sugar, especially before bed and to love myself daily, not just on my good days.

It’s a NEW YEAR magic is about to happen. I’m pretty excited about it when I’m not scared shitless.

Okay so as for  baking I did quite a bit of that while I was home, which warmed my soul and softened my belly. I made both of my siblings a cake; My baby brother who turned 20 , twenty years old– got a butterscotch cake  …He is my most favorite person in the world to watch eat.

My sister requested a red velvet cake  which came out so red, 1/4 a cup of food coloring later.. She is still finding red food coloring around her house ( I can be a messy baker).. It’s such an elegant cake, I highly recommend it if you wanna seduce someone. This case was purely a PG family cake. I’m just saying you could.

Home

I needed to see this today.

Maybe we all need to see this, just to be reminded.

I was especially hungry last night.

It’s been very hot here, so during the day it’s kinda too hot to eat anything but watermelon.

Randi made me dinner and it was yummy and then she went off to the movies…

And I wanted cake.

There is this cake I’ve been meaning to make for you. It’s layers of colorfulness.This is not it. This is simply the cake that I wanted to eat not the cake I wanted to look at.

I baked solo tonight, and listened to jazz and used every bowl we own.

The cake is I think appropriately entitled ; HummingBIRD Cake.

( I hear people in Portland have a thing for birds.)

This is Jonathan, he’s our pet bird.

I made the neighbor boys eat my last cake , I cut them giant slices that  they couldn’t finish. I will have to find some new birds to eat this cake.

That is after I have my slice of bliss.

Since we are worth it.

Portland

                             I drove around this wild country looking for my new home.

Looking for a place to ‘hang my hat’ as they say. A place that I could call mine with an address where you can send me mail. A little spot where I could watch things grow, and eat my meals, and keep my things in drawers. I searched high and low, from the  peaks of Colorado to the Promenade in Santa Monica. Up the Coast though small beach towns … Up more mountains, to a Big Lake, through Northern Cali…. landing myself in Portland, Oregon.

I do not know what made me choose this place.

There is no beach.

It rains a lot.

Boys drink a lot of beer.

The economy is bad . (Don’t tell my dad that)

But, if this city could speak, and I’m sure it can, it say’s to me;

“ you will be okay here.”

I guess I am just looking for a place to be okay in . .

So I am going to start at the end.

I woke up in my new princess bed , yes I bought a princess bed, ladies will know what that looks like, men you will just have to imagine. After sleeping on the floor for two nights. Ikea came to my rescue and delivered me a BED. I woke up smiling simply to be sleeping on a mattress. I rolled over and felt the crash, this pounding headache.

The.. “You ate two pieces of chocolate cake for dinner” headache.

Yea, I did , and yes, it was worth it.

 

I baked in my own kitchen. Not someone else’s. MINE. all mine. I made you the messiest, sweetest and saltiest cake known to man … I listened to music loud, and spilled all over the counters and floor, because it was in my kitchen.

Lenox

So I entered a Pie Baking Contest. My first contest..

Okay, so the first pie I’ve ever really baked..

I’m not really a pie person..

I decided on a Peanut Butter Banana Cream Pie.

But, I needed a kitchen . I called my friend Vicky  in Lenox. She has a lovely kitchen with everything I knew I’d need. She was away in Jersey but said “Just go in, and bake , no problem!” She gave me the security code and I crashed her kitchen. My mother met me there. We were planning a mother/daughter pie duo. cute. right?

Almost as cute as this girl voting for my pie.

We baked our butts off , is that even possible with pie?

Pies require patience and precision especially when being voted on.

These are not necessarily the first assets my mother and I would possess in  a room together. But that day, we gathered our energy , and we possessed it !

We left the pie overnight in the fridge with a big DO NOT EAT sign, and returned the next day to top it off with whipped cream… yum

The contest took place in Great Barrington and was a hit!

There were some beautiful pies. Like these..

the one on the left with the berry rings – won!

Here’s my mama voting…

We did not win , but our pie did get devoured, and we met some amazing bakers.

                         the start 
t                                         the end