roses

I don’t talk about love much, you know love-y kinda love. But I did make a cake out of roses and covered it with petals and sent it on it’s merry way. I did take myself for a much needed walk today up to the rose gardens to clear out my brain in an upward climb.  7-months ago I did move to the city of roses. So it seems fitting I say a few words on; Love and all I don’t know about it.

Don’t worry this won’t get sappy.

You see I don’t have much to say and in my new-old age. I’m discovering that all I thought I knew turns out to be wrong. So I’m learning again slowly what it could mean to love and  be loved. That’s as sappy as I’ll get I promise.

I found IT a few times already! I thought so at least.. I encountered moments so serendipitous and profound that I was convinced  it had to be my absolute destiny. (Turns out it was a little less grandiose) it was more a lesson in relating to people. Yeah, not nearly as romantic a story.

There was the encounter on the curbs of the Santa Monica pier. There was the boy who sold homemade soups. There was the voice and the guitar in a supermarket. And of course the one presently on my mind– with dreadlocks whose lyrics have become my bible.

I find the unreal (and yet still a feeling) feeling of loneliness to be the most crippling of emotions. I despise it when it rises  because I know it is false and yet the feeling still comes like cold wind in my face. You see this feeling isn’t real and no matter what no person is going to fill it. I watch myself searching to unite with something other than me and after circling myself a few hundred times I come back to find this union happens to be with me!

It’s like coming home again and again.

It can happen when I take myself for a walk. When I practice yoga. When I curl up into a ball on my floor and l feel the things I try so hard to not feel. When I cook a big dinner. When I sit myself down and  out loud ask; what I need to feel full? This union is quiet and it comes in questions and in recipes and takes careful listening for the answers. From there  I am able again to lift my chin up towards the sky and see what exists when I open my eyes just a tiny bit wider. If I can feel the knot of the many corners of my being tied and secured up tightly I see again that; I am never alone.

So falling in love is great and….

I look forward to falling more gracefully and for the first time again petals and all..but in the meantime I’ll be buying myself lots of roses and of course here’s your cake. xo.

photo props at; http://rachaelrice.com

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