Sukha

I don’t know what my kind is.

You know the yogurt swirl machines that give you the chocolate and the vanilla swirled together? That feels like me most of the time. I like things new and old. I like to wear lipstick and hiking boots. I like the city and the woods. I like adventure and I dream of being home. I like the pulse of people and crave being solo and silent.

I don’t know a lot of the time because I feel I am a swirl of these contradictions. I want to explore every landscape there is while planting my feet long enough to watch things grow.

Lately I want to stay still. I want badly to sit long enough to not have to move. I want to show up for people and have them know I am not just passing through. I want to bake and to kiss cheeks daily. I want holidays to come and go and gardens to grow and storefronts to move, but me to stay here. I want to get bored, and survive it. I do not know if this is possible, I do not know what will come of me in all of it. Even if I would recognize myself afterwards.

Sometimes I eat a lot of sugar; sometimes I eat a lot of kale.

Sometimes I run races, sometimes I put on music and dance like a curly fry till I can feel my heart beat again.

Some days I want to bake and know that it is not the day for cake especially with all the kale I’m taking in.

Hands down the more things I eat directly out of the soil the better I am over all.

I made black bean brownies today. . Just to see what all the hype was about, and to contradict myself just a tiny bit more.

They were not good. I like beans in tacos. I like brownies with ice-cream. They do not need to be together, ever.

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